It is the worst feeling to feel powerless. I am coping…or trying to cope with a big change in my life that happened some months ago. Some days I feel okay, almost completely fine, other days its like waking up and immediately crying. Sometimes I don’t even realize what it is that is making me want to curl up into a ball and never leave my bed. But then it eventually hits me. The reality of what has happened in my life.
It isn’t something I am comfortable sharing openly in my blog at this point in time. So this is my attempt at being secretive…while still sharing my feelings.
It is one of those things that you have seen happen to people all of your life. Something so common, that it would never be a surprise when it happened again and again. We seem to become so naive to something, when it is a common happening in society. Like…oh another shooting, how dreadful, but then quickly move on. Or another person got cancer, that is devastating (because it truly is), and then tomorrow you don’t really think about it. But then when it happens to you…or someone very close to you. It’s a whole other ball game. We really do not know how to deal with it. Our system gets an electric shock. Jolted into a different dimension of your heart that you didn’t know existed. This is not just something you hear on the news, or an article you read online. Its you. Your life is being affected right down to your core. You feel completely alone, even though its happened to hundreds, thousands of other people. How do we become prepared for this? We just don’t.
I knew all my life, people who this thing happened to. This abrupt turn of events for all those involved. But somehow deep inside me, I knew this would never ever happen to me. It was just impossible. Knowing all that happened in the past, knowing the sacrifices, the changes, the strength, courage and sincere regret. Life being unpredictable and chaotic, then changing to closeness, forgiveness and new beginnings. It was certain. This was going to be a lifelong bond. Nothing could come between it. Though things kept happening through the years that sometimes planted little seeds of doubt. I couldn’t be shaken. Things would always work themselves out for the better.
Now here I am, looking back on my naive self. Wondering how I could have seen this coming and somehow prevented it. These detrimental circumstances that is making all hope slip right through my fingers. I guess I couldn’t have done anything…but now I’m stuck wondering what to do. This cannot be my life now. This can’t be how things will always be. I’m not ready for this change. It’s not built in my DNA. It was always someone else, someone else had to go through this, and it was so much easier to be there for that person as best I could, be a good friend, let them talk while I listened. Now its me…and I cannot be that person for myself. I still have days of hope and faith that things will go back to the way they were. But then there are days like this where I am dwelling how empty the future seems now. I’m so thankful for my husband, and that he has been with me through the whole ordeal, lovingly, patiently. But even our future together is affected by this. And we are both thinking about how things are going to be. Our future children are affected. They will only know how it is now, and not know what it was then. It doesn’t seem fair for them to have to grow up thinking this is how life is, but not how life should be.
I guess I am just rambling now…and this might be a pretty confusing post for anyone reading. But I am really hoping that in the near future I can write another post about how things DID go back to the way they were and I can write about how happily this story turned out. And that my future no longer looks bleak. And that hope and faith really pull through in the end.
Tomorrow is another day…and I have to remember that my life is still going to move forward. I can only march on with the hopes of reconciliation and for this to not be a permanent scar…but just a fading bruise…a hiccup in the road. And always remember that faith doesn’t make things easy…but it makes them possible. I can get through, like so many other have and do.