When Life as You Know it Ends…

Good morning. Miss Blue here.

I’m having a caffeine induced thought cycle going on and figured I should get it out in words, on my ever so neglected blog. I feel good today! I am not sure if its the caffeine, or me having a couple good workouts in the last 24 hours…maybe its because its starting to get warm outside and the seemingly endless, dreadful winter is finally coming to an end. Regardless, I am feeling pretty upbeat at the moment.

This post, however, won’t be so upbeat. So I posted a while back about “Coping with Change”. And i was hoping I was going to have a happy reconciliation post about that. But not so much. Instead…things have remained the same. I am 26 years old, happily married, and have all the morals and beliefs of a traditional Christian woman. I believe in the Bible and live my life accordingly (or try to…not always so easy). And something has happened about 7 months ago that kind of shook up my entire perspective on life. My parents, married for about 29 years, separated. I know to a lot of you, this may sound very common and not that big of a deal. But to me, it is a big deal. It was world shattering. I believe, and my parents strongly encouraged and taught us growing up that marriage is for life. Divorce is never an option. Always stick it through, no matter what, for better or for worse, until death do us part. And my parents were a very faithful and committed couple. I looked up to them so much. And no, their marriage has not always been peaches and cream. They have gone through a lot of pain and turmoil in parts of their marriage. They struggled and fought. But they came through it all. To me, they were a true rock of a marriage. Considering all they went through together, they never gave up on each other. And battled through some of the hardest times imaginable. My sister and I were very much affected by some of things that they went through early on in their marriage. Parts of our childhood was very difficult. But when everything got better, it just made us stronger as a family and it made my parents that much more amazing and brave in my eyes.

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my parents 5 years ago

For many years things were really good again. We moved to Nova Scotia as a family. Had a new, beautiful house that we started a new chapter of life in. But life brought new temptations, life brought new obstacles and challenges. And my parents were faced with another life changing event. It hurt so bad to see the past come back to bite our family again. Another long, difficult journey came and went, and it seemed things were back on track again. I saw my parents more in love and carefree than ever. I got married to a wonderful man who in many ways resembled my father and whom my parents adored. My sister had a baby and got married as well. And boom, they were empty nesters just like that. I wondered what life would be like for them with no more kids in the house. I thought it would be good for them to have time to themselves. Really be able to spend quality time. That is why it chilled me to the bone when they told us they were splitting up. Only 2 years after I got married, and one year after my sister was married. I knew there were things creeping up in their marriage again, and things weren’t perfect. But never in a million years did I think it would come to this. They had been through so much…how could they just give up? How could they let all those years just come to and end?

my parents kissing in the 80s
my parents kissing in the 80s

What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to think? Can marriage just end so easily? Can life just change so unexpectedly? I haven’t had any children yet. When I do, they won’t get to spend the night at grandma and grandpas. They won’t get to have their grandparents come over for Christmas. They won’t see their grandparents kissing or holding hands. They won’t know what its like to have grandparents that live together and visit together and take them out for ice cream together and babysit them together. This is so heartbreaking. My husband’s parents were divorced only a year before mine split up. So neither of my kids’ grandparents will be together. They will have to visit separately on every occasion. This saddens me more than anything. Its hard enough having to get together with my parents separately on my own. I hate it. Get together with dad this day, at this place, at this time, and mom on this day at this place at this time. No more double dates with them. We had talked about taking trips together. My husband and I, with them, roadtripping, maybe a cruise some day. That’s all gone now. I hate getting together with them and seeing that they are happy. They don’t seem to miss each other or anything. How is life as a 50 something, single, alone a good time? This isn’t right. My parents aren’t supposed to exist like this. They are meant to be together. My mom is not my mom without my dad. My dad is not my dad without my mom. Mom shouldn’t have to sleep alone in a lonely apartment. My dad shouldn’t have to sleep alone in his lonely apartment and make his own one plate meal, watch tv alone, do life alone. My mom needs my dad. My dad needs my mom. How could they do this? I’m beside myself. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night. Thinking about all the things that will be different now. I shutter and cringe at the thought that they might end up with someone else.

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Am I the only one that believes marriage is for life? Why make those vows? Why get married in the first place if you aren’t going to honor your vows? Why make a 20 plus years, 30 plus years life together to just have it come to and end and try and start a completely different life without each other? Why cherish and love each other and make children together, buy a house together, make financial goals together, have a future planned out together to just cut it short and erase everything you started? It is so baffling to me. Marriage was meant to be a forever friendship and courtship where you create a life, and create children, have grandchildren, grow old together, retire together and love each other through every trial, through ever hardship to come out in the end and say, I made it; and I lived a great life with my partner by my side through it all. Am I right? If you aren’t going to love this woman until death do you part, no matter what, cherish her, provide for her, lead her, and care for her, then DON’T marry her. If you aren’t going to love this man, take care of him, respect him, follow him and build a life with him, then DON’T marry him.

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My parents left a legacy behind with me and so many around them, that hard times can’t break them. They were MEANT to be together. I know this because I witnessed their life together. It doesn’t always have to be beautiful, and perfect, and magical…marriage isn’t just a fairy tale. It takes a lot of work to make a life with another human being. There will always be disagreements and hard times, challenges that will face you. WHY give up??? I don’t understand this world’s view on giving up when things get hard. We are SO much stronger than that. God instilled bravery, commitment, strong will, love, kindness, faith and determination in us. We are truly slapping God in the face by becoming cowardly and selfish. This life was GIFTED to us. We literally trash it…on a daily basis. Our culture, our society is all about whatever is good for ME, whatever is convenient for ME, whatever makes ME happy…this is (excuse my language) bullshit. Love and marriage is a choice, and you better stick to your word and your promise to that person that you chose to marry and love. It’s not okay to just pick up your things and leave when things get hard.

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I understand that there are certain circumstances that can cause a marriage to truly crumble. Abuse is not acceptable. Degrading and belittling, and controlling your partner is not okay. But lets be honest…most marriages are ending because of selfishness. I believe there is recovery and reconciliation to almost any marriage issue. If that couple really tries.

I’m disappointed in my parents for giving up. They were my role models, my husband’s role models, many other people in my family’s role models. And they have truly loved each other through so much. I have seen and witnessed the best and worst times of my parents marriage, and I will tell you, there is not nearly enough reason for them to call it quits. I do see their pain and their issues (even though I don’t see everything), and I know they can make it work. Especially because they both love God and believe His promise. So I have faith and hope that there will not be a divorce. I see reconciliation and them getting back together. I have faith. I don’t know when. Maybe it will be years. But it has to happen. They are not meant to be apart.

notmevsyou

Right now, I’m in utter devastation trying to grasp this new way of life. Making plans with them separately, visiting their separate apartments. I put on a happy face when I see them. But the elephant in the room is always there. Life has changed, and I need to adjust to it for now. But I’m not the type of person to sit around and support their break up and tell them its okay, and I won’t support their new relationships, with other people, if they decide to do that…because its not okay with me. I don’t condone it and I don’t support it. I would not be surprised if I end up “parent trapping” them if I have to. I believe more marriages end these days because their closest friends and family “support” them and encourage their separation. Sometimes being a good friend or family member isn’t about supporting them in whatever decision they make…its being honest and telling them yes, do what you want to do, but I won’t support something I don’t believe is right. My parents should be together. And that’s all there is to it. God knows it, and I know it. And I am going to do what I can, whether it be in prayer or in person, to support their MARRIAGE, not their SEPARATION.

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I think I have vented enough, and this is hard for me to post. I don’t want my parents to be seen as the couple that gave up. They were always the couple in my family that kept going. And didn’t give up during the hardest situations. But they are struggling right now and don’t know how to make it better. But I am here for you mom and dad. I love you and know that your marriage means the world to me, and I will stop at nothing to assure this doesn’t end in divorce. That you don’t become just another statistic. xox

…Miss Blue…

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